Hi Im Amanda... 

It was 1987 when this photo was taken, I turned 7 this year. I have this very dark vague memory of my mother coming home from the bar in the middle of the night and laying by the front door (Im not sure if it was before or after this photo.) I believe she worked there. I sat on the floor brushing her hair in the middle of the night. Because when she was "sick" this is what she asked me to do from time to time. This is one of my earliest conscious memories of trauma. My childhood is just flashes of light mostly. Where my mom was struggling and my dad was in survival mode, we all were. Everyone only doing the best that they could at the time and going through our own experiences. The faces I can make out in the memories are some of laughter and joy but mostly anger, sadness, fear and desperation. And it's ultimately what set the tone for everything that followed. 

"I sat on the floor brushing her hair in the middle of the night"

Even though my dad got us away from this shortly after, there was enough programming through experiences like these and through the trauma of a handful of incidents to follow that would dictate my reality of the world. Looking back now I stayed in that survival mode for decades. Sometimes it feels impossible to explain my own experience. Im not sure anyone could see who I really was. I was either keeping to myself or putting on a show. I overreacted a lot and my reactions were always fueled by emotions. I didn't set boundaries, I "mothered" everyone, I worked myself to burn out and became physically unhealthy. I knew something had to give. In my own journey to healing, I have learned an insane amount about myself but also just so much about the brain, the nervous system and the human experience. How all of it affects us, and how our behaviors are just a reflection of our experiences. My life was really never my own. I was proud of my will power. Until will power failed me. I had no idea the depths of it until I got the help myself. And I also found where I belonged. I had always been this very sensitive person, very empathetic and I always wanted to help people and make an impact. But never felt I was smart enough, good enough or deserving. Because I thought I was too broken. Healing and stepping into this new version of myself this desire is even stronger than ever before and it's the most full-filling work I have ever done. 

If I could talk to this 7 year old 

I would tell her... Be YOU. You have always been more than enough. Someday you will change the world.