Hi Im Amanda...
It was 1987 when this photo was taken, I turned 7 this year. I have this very dark vague memory of my mother coming home from the bar in the middle of the night and laying by the front door (Im not sure if it was before or after this photo.) I believe she worked there. I sat on the floor brushing her hair in the middle of the night. Because when she was "sick" this is what she asked me to do from time to time. This is one of my earliest conscious memories of trauma. My childhood is just flashes of light mostly. Where my mom was struggling and my dad was in survival mode, we all were. Everyone only doing the best that they could at the time and going through our own experiences. The faces I can make out in the memories are some of laughter and joy but mostly anger, sadness, fear and desperation. And it's ultimately what set the tone for everything that followed.
"I sat on the floor brushing her hair in the middle of the night"
Even though my dad got us away from this shortly after, there was enough programming through experiences like these and through the trauma of a handful of incidents to follow that would dictate my reality of the world. Looking back now I stayed in that survival mode for decades. Sometimes it feels impossible to explain my own experience. Im not sure anyone could see who I really was. I was either keeping to myself or putting on a show. I overreacted a lot and my reactions were always fueled by emotions. I didn't set boundaries, I "mothered" everyone, I worked myself to burn out and became physically unhealthy. I knew something had to give. In my own journey to healing, I have learned an insane amount about myself but also just so much about the brain, the nervous system and the human experience. How all of it affects us, and how our behaviors are just a reflection of our experiences. My life was really never my own. I was proud of my will power. Until will power failed me. I had no idea the depths of it until I got the help myself. And I also found where I belonged. I had always been this very sensitive person, very empathetic and I always wanted to help people and make an impact. But never felt I was smart enough, good enough or deserving. Because I thought I was too broken. Healing and stepping into this new version of myself this desire is even stronger than ever before and it's the most full-filling work I have ever done.
If I could talk to this 7 year old
I would tell her... Be YOU. You have always been more than enough. Someday you will change the world.
"I thought this was what I wanted until I realized it was literally killing me. "
Not too long ago, I was a super successful photographer running a multi 6 figure business, traveling the world and totally burned out. I thought this was what I wanted until I realized it was literally killing me. I set out to completely change my life. I discovered coaching, I found out what my purpose was, what alignment meant for me and now I am a
Trauma-Informed, Certified Mindset Coach, EFT Practitioner, NLP Certified, Hypnotherapist with a certification in Neuro Energetic Programming + Encoding and Human Design Reader.
To say Ive gone all in on discovering the best way to help you find your own aligned life is an understatement!
This photo was taken in 1998 in NYC the year I graduated HS. My choir got to perform on stage at Carnegie Hall in NYC with a few other high schools from around the country. Middle School and HS I grew up in small town America. I was bullied and teased and often felt really alone and didn't belong. I had no idea until I got to the city how much I would fall in love with it. It was the first time I got to really see who I actually was and other people saw me too. The guy in this picture was our tour guide. We barely spoke the entire trip and just before we left outside the bus he gave me his scarf, and he told me how inspired he was by me and that I had to come back to the city and be on broadway. If it wasn't for a boyfriend, turned husband, turned ex husband at home I think I would have done it. Life felt a bit rocky from here, and I only had little glimpses of this girl over the last 20+ years, until now. While Im not staring in a broadway musical I am the main character again in my own life. Embodying this Amanda more and more!
i'm coming back for you babe
AT A GLANCE
i currently live in Japan
NYC is my home away from home
I can't live without Pasta
Im manifesting a home in the hollywood hills.
Have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They Know what you truly want to become
To say I am obsessed with Missy Robbins pasta dishes is an understatement. At this point we only go to NYC to stay at the 1 hotel, eat at Misi and Lilia in Brooklyn and go for sunrise walks in Central Park.
Listen to This
Getting my Hormones balanced was of one the keys to all the growth + success I have found these past 2 years. Listen to this interview with Katie Bressack on my podcast: Let's Explore That
Before I was a coach I was a professional wedding/portrait photographer. I sold everything except my film cameras. Now I shoot for fun, and for charity! All proceeds from print purchases go to The Jed Foundation.
I want you to ask yourself right now, what would it look like if you could thrive through fear and doubt?
What is the biggest thing holding you back from your goals and dreams?
What if you could have everything you have ever wanted and more?
What are you waiting for?